One Problem – The Loss of Myself, One Answer – Me

By Nicholas de Castella

My ship has been assailed and I have ‘abandoned ship’. Jumped overboard. Jettisoned into the space capsule. Disconnected from life. I find myself floating on a cold, dark sea, waves pushing me from side to side as I cling to my flimsy life raft.
I have neglected myself. Choosing not to face the horrible mess that I have left behind as I continue out-running myself. Going faster and taking on more and more in my life till it is so jam packed that there is no space for personal problems, no space to feel me. All in the deluded hope that I will finally escape that which I loathe so much and judge so harshly: my weakness, my ugliness, my defectiveness, my deceit, my perverted disgusting self, needy and bent, ready to betray my truth, to sell out and settle for morbid comfort, for safety and a level of suffering which verges on the unnoticeable.
Keep the cupboard door closed, don’t look inside, keep my head in the sand. Such a gruesome sight, I can’t bear to look, and I don’t dare to show anyone else, lest they reject me further, bring me home to the pain I run from inside. I lie to my friends “Oh no not today, maybe next time”, “That’s OK”, “I don’t mind”, “Maybe next time”, and I lie to myself “It’ll get better if I just try harder, lose weight, change my attitude, look at it from a broader perspective, think positive, be more understanding, get a better job, a new relationship, get respect, better sex, new car, put the TV on, turn up the stereo, get rid of this uneasiness inside…”anything but be with myself.

So I fight the dragon, smile on the outside and rage within. As it raises its ugly head I twist and contort until it is back in its cage (and so am I). Only the slightest taste of bitterness lingers in my mouth and a dull ache gnaws in my belly. The endless battle of holding it all under control taxes me to my limit. But the energy I put into the fight doesn’t tame the beast, on the contrary it seems to make it wilder. As its ferocity increases so does my fear that it’s going to break out.
I distance from others in case the dreaded monster should raise its foul head and I be cast back again into the agony of shame and terror at being alone. Distancing myself from others, not too far so that I get to feel my real isolation, but just far back enough to keep the others out but appear that I’m letting them in by being the nice guy.
And what am I running from? What have I done to myself? Could it be that I have betrayed and double-crossed my soul?
Where is my salvation? I have sucked and sucked but nothing has quenched my thirst I have chewed and chewed but nothing has satisfied my hunger.
I have run from life. I have run from me. I am Tired. I stop. Every attempt to run from my discomfort and sooth my pain only takes me further from myself.
I begin to see that the most primary wound that I suffer from is the loss of the full experience of myself as a human being. I have lost my ability to experience life. I no longer feel fully. I have dulled my senses. I have lost touch with the experience of exquisitely alive, radiant states of being.

All of the hurts and abuses that I commonly experience in the outside world lead to this deeper wounding at the very fibre of my being: The essential loss of the experience of my true nature.
I have rejected and abandoned myself. Others have not done this to me. I have rejected my sadness, my anger, my fear and my joy. I have lost touch with the passionate experience of my spirituality, inspiration, creativity, love, will, power, sexuality, and connection to earth.
I have lost the experience of my connection to all of life. I have lost touch with the experience of oneness with life and with it is the loss of the experience of love of myself and my wholeness.
I gradually learn that the answer does not lie out there. The answer lies within me. The answer is the experience that is me. Within each moment, within each breath, within each cell of my body.
I am the key to my freedom.

Experience does not mean to know it with my head. It means to fully feel each nuance of sensation in minute detail without expectation, judgment or interpretation. To be fully present and aware of the tiniest energetic fluctuation involved in the smallest of movements. To feel each breath as though it were a lifetime.
As I focus on experience, I feel in my body the ceaseless stream of life force. Through my body I connect to the eternal flow of life. I see that my journey is about reconnecting with my full feeling self, freeing myself from my inhibitions and self-consciousness and experiencing life in its full richness.
My desire is to re-establish myself at the core of my being, to stay present and journey into whatever I am; to surrender to my shame and my grief, to notice when I am running away from myself, to come back and feel me, to open and embrace this momentary experience as all that there is, to be willing to come forward, speak my truth and feel my feelings. I trust that this will take me home.

Teresa Ratcliffe T: 0419 586 810 E:
Thrive Coach Breathwork Practitioner Handouts by Nicholas and Susan de Castella. Copyright Protected 2012
Australian Breathwork College T: 03 9739 8889